21 December, 2007


I am taking a page from TK’s book.
Uncooked Meat: I hope this letter finds you well out of harm's way

Dear See’s Sweepers truck,
Dude the road is wet, it is not snow covered, and it is not black ice. It is 6:51am and I am 15 minutes late. Going 30 miles an hour when the speed limit is…35 or 40 is just wrong. I will rear end you if you hit your breaks again when a car comes the other way.

Dear New England weather,
What is this drizzley shit? Just enough falls on the windshield to cause a giant smudge of grayish brown. Windshield wipers? You can be replaced, get that crap out of my line of sight now.

To my beloved Boy toy
You caught the stomach bug that Spotty and I have had. You were hurling every 45 friggen minutes last night. It sucks, get better soon.

Dear Spotty Chop, my son, the love of my life
If you fucking EVER hide on mama again when we are shopping so help me GOD I will not be held accountable for my actions. I understand at 2 ½ you like to hide, but when mama is calling you frantically with tears streaming down her face because she thinks some fuckwad has taken you and finally has some little 80 year old grandmother like woman with an accent I couldn’t place, but said “HERE” in a voice that was used to dealing with her own hysterical tribe of girls “don’t you raise your eyebrow to me young lady”. And honestly what the fuck is up with the rest of you shoppers at the Natick lateeda mall? Are you too good to stop looking for a deal that you can’t at least pretend to look? FUCK YOU BYOTCHES.

Dear commuter line,
What is up with the trains that have water dripping in the windows? Why is this happening? If I wanted to be wet I would ride my bike. Fix this shit now. Just because you have been “on time” twice this week doesn’t mean shit.

Dear rancid pieces of crap that keep calling my house thinking its Wal-Mart,
I know our number is just like theirs, I don’t mind that you get the number wrong, it happens, but could you perhaps figure it out after the 3rd call? 5 or 6 times is a bit much don’t you think? If an answering machine says “we can’t take your call right now” you can pretty much be guaranteed that it is not a major outlet.

Dear Asshat of an ATT sales rep that gave us the number in the first place
I always think of you during the holidays. Satan called, your rooms ready.

Dear anyone shopping who is in a parking garage
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. Stop holding up the line of traffic because you think you see someone walking to their car. There is room on the roof. Besides they are just dropping off packages, that is a prime spot, they aint going anywhere.

Dear Stomach virus that currently has taken up residence,
You have overstayed your welcome, it is time for you to find someone new, it’s not you it’s me. I appreciate that you have moved on to boy toy, but you can’t have us both, please pack your bags and go.