Buffy Season 7

Holy Crap no more Buffy. This was a phenomenal series. The acting was good, the stories were great. This is a show I cannot wait to show Spotty Chop. “Look, smart girls are both beautiful and fun.” I think the thing I liked most about the series is that it never took itself too seriously. I mean hot chick in heals and leather pants kicks vampire, demon and god(ess) ass. Really? I think I am a closet romantic, don’t tell anyone, but my heart broke multiple times as the Scooby squad grew, shrunk and transformed.

I recently read somewhere that a theory is out equating the rise in violence against women to the amount of accepted violence to women on TV. I remember thinking “wow, Buffy gets her ass handed to her daily," but it’s not gratuitous violence, she’s kicking ass against Big Bad’s. The story wouldn’t work if she never got hit. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying the theory is wrong, and I think that the law doesn’t go far enough in domestic violence cases. I guess I could see it going either way. I happen to enjoy a bit of violence (on TV and movies and video games…) now and then. I don’t think my rages are caused by this…I could be wrong.

Here are my final favorite quotes of the series.

Buffy: My first time out, I missed the heart too.
Dawn: No way.
Buffy: Just the once.


Dawn: I know! You never know what's coming, the stake is not the power, To Serve Man is a cookbook. I love you. Go away


Buffy: My sister's about to go to the same school that tried to kill me for three years. I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what may come out of there. So peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.



Principal Wood: You seem a bit young to have such a grown-up daughter.
Buffy: No! Uh, no. Sister.
Principal Wood: Oh, right. Of course.
Buffy: You didn't really think she's my… it's my hair. I have mom hair.

Principal Wood: Well, that's great! Look at that. It's not even noon and I've already bullied my first family member into helping out. I'm going to be the best principal ever


Willow: Is there anything you don't know everything about?
Giles: Synchronized swimming. Complete mystery to me.


Xander: How exactly do you make cereal?
Buffy: Ah. You put the box near the milk. I saw it on the Food Channel.


Dawn: So the principal's evil?
Buffy: Or in a boatload of danger.
Xander: Well, the last two principals were eaten. Who'd even apply for that job?


Xander: At a spanking new Hellmouth High. Please, outside of drugs, violence, and unwanted pregnancy and the unleashing of hordes of Armageddon that comes pouring out of its schools foundation every now and then, what trouble could these kids have?


Dawn: I'm command central so everybody check in with me. Okay, I'll be here doing my homework but the other one sounded cooler.


Dawn: Spike? You sleep, right? You, vampires… you sleep?
Spike: Yeah, what's your point, niblet?
Dawn: Well, I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all… touch her… you're going to wake up on fire.


Xander: Sunnydale. Come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.


Xander: Well, I've avoided Giles tons of times. Just meant I was lazy, not evil.
Buffy: I hope you're right, because defeating Lazy Willow — probably less hard


Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't groove with the sorry. We prefer, "Oh, God! Please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!"


Xander: We should've put a leash on him.
Buffy: Yes, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.


Dawn: It's smellementary. Also I'm sure there's tons like this, you know procedures we can use that don't involve magic spells, just good solid detective work. And we can develop a data base of tooth impressions and demon skin samples and I could wear high heels more often.
Buffy: Wow, that was so close to being empowered.
Dawn: Everybody loves a slender ankle.


Xander: Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. At the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.
Willow: Ouch.
Xander: So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take like ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It's a trade off.
Willow: That's actually not a bad analogy. Except, I'm less worried about hitting my thumb, and more worried about going all black-eyed baddy and bewitching that hammer into cracking my friends' skulls open like coconuts.
Xander: Right. Ouch.


Anya: Just got back, as in you're all better, or just got back to bring about a fiery apocalypse of death.


Buffy: She knows about viscera. Makes you proud.


Willow: You know Giles says everything's part of the earth. This bed. The air. Us.
Buffy: Explains why my fingernails get dirty even when I don't do anything.
Willow: Plus you stuck your thumbs in a demon.
Buffy: True.




Willow: It just takes so much strength. I don't have that much.
Buffy: I got so much strength, I'm giving it away.
Willow: Are you sure?
Buffy: Will it help?
Willow: Much.
Buffy: Good


Buffy: Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.
Xander: There has to be another way.
Buffy: Then please find it.
Buffy: You realize that Anya's probably seducing R.J. even as we speak.
Willow: My God. You think so?
Buffy: Well, I wouldn't put it past her. She's recently evil, you know.
Willow: Well, so am I. Why should I miss out?


Holden: Oh. So, when you said not connected, that was kind of a telling statement, wasn't it—?
Buffy: Ah, Psych 101 alert.
Holden: Well, I'm just saying.
Buffy: Yeah, what I really need is emotional therapy from the evil dead.
Holden: Hey, it was your phrase.


Anya: All I'm saying is soulless Spike would have had me upside down and half way to happy land by now.
Spike: I need my pants.


Bouncer: Yeah, yeah, I know the guy. Billy Idol wannabe?
Buffy: Actually, Billy Idol stole his look from—never mind. Has he been here?


Giles: Sorry to barge in. We have a slight apocalypse.


Buffy: You know, I didn't even realize it was December. Maybe when we get home, we should decorate the rubble. (looks at Giles) Think you'll ever show up for a real visit? The kind where the world isn't about to end?
Giles: If we survive this, I promise.
Buffy: Good. 'Cause I miss you.
Giles: I miss you too.


Buffy: They want an apocalypse? Oh, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now. 'Cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts one by one, until The First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that's us. Any questions?


Anya: OK, Torg, look, you open this tiny little gateway to the Beljoxa's Eye for me, and I'll— You and I will go— I'll have sex with you again.
Torg: Ugh, please, you're human. The way you look now, I wouldn't touch you for all the kittens in Korea.
Anya: You're rejecting my offer of sexual bribery? What am I, a leper in this town? I can't even give it away!
Torg: Come back when you are a leper.


Kennedy: How's evil taste?
Willow: A little chalky.


Xander: You thought you were all special. Miss Sunnydale 2003. And the minute you found out you weren't, you handed the crown to Amanda without a moment's pause. You gave her your power.
Dawn: The power wasn't mine.
Xander: They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary.
Dawn: Maybe that's your power.
Xander: What?
Dawn: Seeing. Knowing.
Xander: Maybe it is. Maybe I should get a cape.
Dawn: Cape is good.


Buffy: No, I enjoy my responsibility as mentor, role model, life guide— oh, my God, I cannot believe I have my bathroom all to myself for two whole days.


Buffy: OK. You're right. Not a book thing. It's a phone thing.
Spike: Who you gonna call? God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
Buffy: Doubt it.


Willow: So, he asked you out to dinner?
Buffy: Yeah. Isn't that weird? I mean, he's a Principal. He's a young, hot Principal with earrings, but he's a Principal. Why do you think he asked me out? I mean, he could be interested, right?
Willow: Yeah, sure. You're a frisky vixen.
Buffy: Or, it could be work-related. Maybe I'm getting promoted for doing such a good job.
Willow: Oh, right, that—that makes sense too.
Buffy: Or, maybe he knows that I suspect he's up to something, and he's taking me out to kill me.
Willow: Well, you'll have to dress for the ambiguity.


Willow: Oh, hi. Hey. Well, Buffy, I—I see that our preparation for the school-pep-dance-cheer-drill contest are coming along. Bring it on!
Buffy: It's OK, I filled him in on everything.
Willow: Oh, thank God! If I had to explain all these weapons, I had nothing.


Dawn: Do you know that ancient Sumerians do not speak English?
Buffy: They're worse than the French.


Dawn: Well, I've got a system. It's called flunking out. No, just kidding. I'm paying someone to do my work. I'm kidding. I love to see your eyeballs change color when you think I'm gonna flunk out...


Giles: Everything's terrible. Total catastrophe.
Buffy: Giles, what's wrong?
Giles: Have you seen the new library? There's nothing but computers. There's not a book to be seen. I—I don't know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to?
Robin: Uh, that would — that would be me.


Faith: Hey, got a spare bed for a wanted fugitive?
Giles: Hello, Faith.
Faith: Well, I guess "wanted" wasn't really accurate.
Dawn: Does she have to stay here? Because there's some nice hotels that welcome tried-to-kill-your-sister types.
Faith: Check it out. Brat's all woman-sized.


Robin: I'll be OK. Unless, of course, you start beating up on me now.
Buffy: I won't. Well, I thought about it. I made some doodles.


Spike: You craving a moment alone in the dank, or can I bum one?
Faith: Well, I guess you can smoke all you want—the big C not really an issue.
Spike: Teeth get yellow after an eternity. Gotta watch that.


Kennedy: What kind of band plays during an apocalypse?
Dawn: I think this band might actually be one of the signs.


Andrew: Right. Right. Gotcha. I—I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They're really good.
Spike: Not as good as those onion blossom things.
Andrew: Ooh, I love those.
Spike: Yeah, me, too.
Andrew: It's an onion... and it's a flower. I—I don't understand how such a thing is possible.
Spike: See, the genius of it is you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.
Andrew: Masterful.
Spike: Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you.
Andrew: Right.


Buffy: I don't want to be the one.
Spike: I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.


Caleb: You whore.
Buffy: You know, you really should watch your language. If someone didn't know you, they might think you were a woman-hating prick.


Andrew: I liked the real bandages better. These bedsheets are awfully festive.
Anya: Yeah, they're going to look like mortally wounded Easter baskets.


Buffy: But you're right. I mean, I guess everyone's alone but being a Slayer? There's a burden we can't share.
Faith: And no one else can feel it. Thank god we're hot chicks with superpowers.
Buffy: Takes the edge off.
Faith: Comforting.
Buffy: Mm-hmm.


Andrew: Oh, this one has oxygen tanks.
Anya: They'd only be useful if something big was attacking, and then we could shove one down their throat and blow 'em up like Roy Scheider did with that shark in "Jaws."
Andrew: You are the perfect woman.
Anya: I've often thought so. Wanna rob?
Andrew: Let's rob.


Angel: We are talking about Spike here.
Buffy: It's different. He's different. He has a soul now.
Angel: That's great. Everyone's got a soul now.
Buffy: He'll make a difference.
Angel: You know, I started it. The whole having a soul. Before it was all the cool new thing.
Buffy: Oh, my God. Are you 12?
Angel: I'm getting the brush off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me.


Buffy: You know, one of these days I'm just gonna put you 2 in a room and let you wrestle it out.
Spike: No problem at this end.
Buffy: There could be oil of some kind involved.


Willow: This goes beyond anything I've ever done. It's a total loss of control, and not in a nice, wholesome, my girlfriend has a pierced tongue kind of way


Faith: Guy looks at me, let's just say his priorities shift.
Robin: Why, because you're so hot?
Faith: It's what it is, yo.
Robin: Oh, please. I am so much prettier than you are. Oh, and, uh, for the record, our little encounter didn't exactly change my world.
Faith: You're tripping! That was rock 'em, sock 'em!
Robin: No, no, no, no. It was—it was—it was nice enough, you know, and you're—you're very, um... mm, enthused, and I think with a little more experience—
Faith: Dude, I got mad skills.
Robin: Yeah, of course. Let's finish up.
Faith: No, hell with that. We're going again, baby. You're gonna learn a little respect here, pal.
Robin: Faith— Make me a deal, all right? We live through this, you give me the chance to surprise you.
Faith: What would be the surprise?
Robin: You do know the meaning of the word, right?
Faith: No way you're prettier than me.
Robin: A little bit, yeah.


Giles: Could it possibly get uglier? I used to be a highly respected watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily. I just wish I could sleep.


Giles: Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there's no hope of going there tomorrow.
Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.

Buffy Season 6

My favorite quotes of this season...


Tara: It was supposed to confuse him but it just made him peppy. Its not supposed to mix with anything. You think he's taking prescription medication?


Willow: I got her head back on, didn't I? And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.

Xander: Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. Do we: a) congratulate ourselves on a job well done-
Willow: Xander, this isn't zombies.
Anya: And zombies don't eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie master. A lot of people get that wrong.

Xander: I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North Star.
Willow: Xander, that's not the North Star, it's an airplane.

Giles: Well, I know I'm back in America now. I've been knocked unconscious.

Warren: What the hell is that?
Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Jonathan: Uh, thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numbnuts.
Andrew: For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised design from Return of the Jedi.
Jonathan: That's a flawed design!

Dawn: So what are you supposed to be?
Anya: An angel.
Dawn: Oh, shouldn't you have wings?
Anya: Um, no, this is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.

Buffy: Did you know about this?
Giles: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
Buffy: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you won't have to see what we're doing?
Giles: Tell no one.

Buffy: Were you parking? With a vamp?
Dawn: I didn't know he was dead.
Justin: Living dead.
Dawn: Shut up.
Buffy: How did you not know?
Dawn: I just met him.
Buffy: Oh, so you were parking with a boy you just met?
Justin: We've seen each other at parties.
Buffy: Shut up.
Dawn: Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?
Buffy: That was different.
Dawn: It always is when it's you.

Tara: To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Willow? How could you after what Glory did to me?
Willow: Violate you? I... I-I didn't ... mean anything like that, I-I, I just wanted us not to fight any more. I love you.
Tara: If you don't wanna fight, you don't fight. You don't use magic to make a fight disappear.
Willow: But I-I just wanted to make things better. Better for us.
Tara: But you don't get to decide what is better for us, Will. We're in a relationship, we are supposed to decide together

Giles: Magic! Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing. Except I seem to be British, don't I? Uh, and a man. With... glasses. Well, that narrows it down considerably.

Giles: We'll get our memory back, it'll all be right as rain.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that Nancy-boy accent. You English men are always so... bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks. Oh god... I'm English.
Giles: Welcome to the Nancy tribe.
Spike: You don't suppose you and I...we're not related, are we?
Anya: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
Giles: Yes, and you do inspire a particular feeling of familiarity and ... disappointment. Older brother?
Spike: Father. Oh God, how I must hate you!
Giles: What did I do!?

Buffy: Hey... how've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.

Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.
Xander: Please, she-Really?
Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much découpage without calling on the powers of darkness.

Buffy: Yeah, well, to you and me they're just candles, but to witches they're like... bongs.

Buffy: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.

Willow: You know, when I was little I used to spend hours imagining what my wedding to Xander would be like. And now I look at them and just think... he-he-he!

Willow: Just so you know, I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
Buffy: Thanks, but no. I don't wanna seem all petty.
Willow: Well, that's the beauty. You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.
Buffy: Go nuts.

Andrew: Think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck-driving magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers. And not one of you bunch has the midi-clorians to stop her.
Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
Anya: The annoying virgin has a point.

Anya: I care if you live or die, Xander. I'm just not sure which one I want

Dark Willow: You called me a rank, arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.

Dark Willow: Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me ya love me?
Xander: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but, eh, it seemed kinda cartoony.

BUFFY - Season 5

Oh how I love thee!!! (and god bless rainy holiday weekends!)

Willow: Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody'll know I know, you know?

Buffy: You're sure this is not just some fanboy thing? 'Cause I've met a lot of pimply, overweight vamps calling themselves Lestat.

Xander: Where did you pick up the fruity accent? Sesame Street? "One victim, two victims, ah, ah, ah"

Xander: Where is he?! Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap! I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming Committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad... you suck.

Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home! [swings ax]
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine! I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night! [swings ax] That you got Anya hurt! [swings ax] Invited a vampire in! [swings ax] Got kidnapped! ...

Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through... How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Xander: I need a better place. Hey Buff, you've been to Hell. They've got one-bedrooms, right?

Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z — from 'axe' to... 'zee other axe'.

Big Vampire: I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
Buffy: And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really... who's surprised we've got this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I express mine better. Tell you what... you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.

Buffy: [pulls a glowing orb out of her bag] What the hell is it?
Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Willow: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.

Anya: [to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

Buffy: I just had a bad day.
Dawn: Well, join the club.
Buffy: Could I be president?
Dawn: I'm president. You could be the janitor.

Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don't really know what kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.

Spike: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.

Donny: Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by God I will beat you down!
Xander: And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.

Anya: I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter... Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!

Xander: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.

Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space... I did not say that.

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara: I said "quirky."

Xander: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Oh! But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.

Willow: Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.

Anya: It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.
Tara: There's a world without shrimp?

Glory: Never send a minion to do a god's work.

Spike: Brown robe types are always protecting something. It's the only way they can justify giving up girls.

Dawn: I feel safe with you.
Spike: Take that back!

Anya: I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Tara: There's a Santa Claus?
Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney — all true.
Dawn: All true?
Anya: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise…
Tara: The reindeer part was nice.

Spike: [while being tortured by Glory] Yeah, OK, sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words: the Slayer ... is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim ex-god like you.

Buffy - Season 4

Another season of Buffy – I’ve actually gone a little over board with the Buffanator. I think I watched 8 or 10 shows over the weekend. Damn my addictive personality.

This was fun to get back into.

Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be nowned first?
Willow: Yes. First there's the painful nowning process.

Willow: Oh, boyfriend! It's my on-campus boyfriend.
Buffy: Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up. The line's probably really long now, too.

Willow: He said he wasn't coming back until he'd driven to all fifty states.
Buffy: Did you explain about Hawaii?
Willow: Well, he seemed so determined.

Xander: Do we hug?
Oz: I think we're too manly.

Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Oh. Can I make him a vampire?
Spike: No. Wait, on second thought, yeah, go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.

Willow: He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. Well, for today, we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.

Willow: How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?
Buffy: I thought that was the point.

Riley: There's definitely something off about her.
Graham: Maybe she's Canadian.

Xander: Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem; we show up and and kick its ass.
Giles: A wee bit unethical.

Willow (to Riley): If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun!

Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around.
Spike: Piffle.
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, 'Oh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'Oh, you're such a good friend.'
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: Really?
Spike: Thought about it.
Willow: When?
Spike: Remember last year? You had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath.
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the bloodlust kinda cool.
Spike: Mmmm. I hate being obvious. Being all fangy and 'Rrrr.' Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could...
Spike: If I could, yeah.

Buffy: It is a sham, but it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.
Willow: You're not gonna jokey-ryhme your way out of this.

Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.

Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could've said

Forrest: Well, the way I got it figured, The Slayer is like some kind of bogeyman to sub-terrestrials. Something they tell their little spawn to make them eat their vegetables and clean up their slime pits.
Riley: You're telling me she doesn't exist?
Forrest: Oh, wait a sec. Am I bursting somebody's bubble here? Maybe this a bad time to tell you about the Easter Bunny.

Giles: It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow, and Xander: Again?!

Spike: I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. Come one, vampires, rrrr, nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for... the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!

Walsh: So, the Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah, that's me.
Walsh: We thought you were a myth.
Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken.

Spike: How ya feeling, mate?
Giles: Like snapping necks until everyone's dead.
Spike: Now that's a Fyarl demon. Good for you.

Riley: She has the truest soul I've ever known.
Walsh: Oh no. Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord spare me college boys in love.

Walsh: Okay, this is Psych 105. Introduction to Psychology. I am Professor Walsh. Those of you who fall into my good graces will come to know me as Maggie, those of you who don't will come to know me by the name my T.A.'s use and think I don't know about: The Evil Bitch-Monster of Death.

Buffy: ... so then Kathy's like, "It's share time." And I'm like, "Oh yeah? Share this!"
Oz: So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?
Oz: Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.


Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
Spike: Maybe I dumped her!
Harmony: She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days.
Spike: Harm!

Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why, can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it's just... tacky.


Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn't know it was evil.
Giles: You knew it was beer!
Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove!
Giles: It was the early seventies, and you should know better
.
Riley: That's hostile seventeen.
Spike (in his bad American accent): No. I'm just a friend of Xander's... Bugger it. I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's um... it's a really long story. But he's not bad anymore!
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad! It's just... I can't bite anymore, thanks to you wankers.

Willow: "She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going 'Ooh. Check me out, I'm wicked cool. I'm five by five.'"
Tara: "Five by five? Five what by five what?"
Willow: "See, that's the thing. No one knows."

Willow: I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.

Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
Giles: No... Yes. I-it was a gift.

Anya: A year and a half ago I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
Spike: You know... You take the killing for granted... And then it's gone, and you're like... I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stop and smell the corpses, you know?

Mrs. Holt: I refuse to listen to this when I can smell the sin on each and every one of you!
Xander: Yeah? You smell sin? Well, let me tell you something, lady. She who smelt it, dealt it!

Xander: So, with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock lately, maybe they set something free... like a big, bursting poltergasm.

Xander: It happens that I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of... stuff. I have skills and... stratagems... I'm very... help me out.
Anya: He's a Viking in the sack.

Giles: Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.
Buffy: You know you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
Giles: I did. I said there could be dire consequences.
Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.

Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll -
Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?


Riley: But you killed the- You did that thing with that- Uh, you drowned. And the snake! Not to mention... daily... slayage of... Wow.
Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of "apocalypse".

Buffy: I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine… That probably would've sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.

Buffy: Oz isn't a Demon. Something happened to him that wasn't his fault. I never knew you were such a bigot!
Riley: I'm not. I'm just saying it's a little strange to date someone who tries to eat you once a month!

Spike: Don't see why I have to be tied up.
Xander: It's just while I'm sleeping.
Spike: Like I'd bite you, anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Spike: Alright, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it.

Buffy - Season 3

Giles: I mean, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but if anything should happen to you, or you... should be killed, I should take it somewhat amiss.
Willow: You'd be cranky?
Giles: Entirely.
Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement: "Don't get killed."

Buffy: I'd like to find Willow and Xander.
Joyce: Will you be slaying?
Buffy: Only if they give me lip.

Buffy: Fine, okay, I can take my lumps. For awhile.
Willow: All right, I'll stop giving you a hard time. (pause) Runaway.
Buffy: Will!
Willow: I'm sorry ... quitter.
Buffy: Whiner.
Willow: Bailer.
Buffy: Harpy.
Willow: Delinquent.
Buffy: Tramp.
Willow: Bad seed.
Buffy: Witch.
Willow: Freak.

Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?

Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Spike: Oh, sod the spell. Your friends are at the factory. [smiling.] I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her, until she likes me again.

Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out, I'm a witch! I can make pencils float! And I can summon the four elements! Okay, two, but four soon. And I'm dating a musician!
Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow.
Willow: I worship Beelzebub. I do his biddings! Do you see any goats around? No! 'Cause I sacrificed them!
Mrs. Rosenberg: Willow, please...
Willow: All bow before Satan!
Mrs. Rosenberg: I'm not listening to this.
Willow: Prince of Night, I summon you! Come fill me with your black, naughty evil!

Xander: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like... Slayer kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander: You're assuming I was talking about the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of all his powers.
Oz: Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird --
Buffy: Guys, reality!

Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once ... I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.

Willow: Chemistry is easy. It's a lot like witchcraft, only less newt.

Faith: Thanks, sugar daddy.
Mayor Wilkins: Now Faith, you know I don't like that. I'm a family man. Now, let's kill your little friend.

Vamp Willow: This is a dumb world. In my world, there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.

Wesley: And you say this demon wanted cash? That's very unusual.
Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.

Buffy: I know this. It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.
Giles: Again. See, no standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.

Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?!
Joyce: It was the candy! We were teenagers!
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
Joyce: [goes to leave, glances back] I'll be downstairs. [exits] You feel better!
Buffy: Twice!?

Buffy: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big-time danger.
Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.

Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.

Buffy - Season 2

Damn - this show just cracks me the frell up.


Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: [scoffs] I can hold my own.

Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.

Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Spike: If every Vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was there, it would've been like Woodstock

Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!

Buffy: I told one lie, I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Buffy: Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.
Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.

Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...
Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!

Willow: The Lonely Ones?
Angel: Vampires.
Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.

Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.
Giles: Most grownups are.

Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That's between you and your god.

Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!

Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Spike: No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap?
Angelus: What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase.

Cordelia: This is great! There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Slayer's a basketcase, I'd say we've hit bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh no, here's a lower place

Cordelia: So does looking at guns really make girls want to have sex? That's scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the Army a lot?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.

Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.
Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow: Thanks, I haven't gotten a Meow before.

Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.
Oz: You are quite the human.
Willow: So I'd still, if you'd still.
Oz: I'd still. I'd very still!
Willow: Okay. No biting, though.
Oz: Agreed.

Willow: Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.
Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Buffy: Homework.
Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.

Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing.
Buffy: I thought I might try violence.
Xander: Solid call.

Xander: Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was "I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning

Buffy: So I'm treated like the baddie, just because he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose, and I don't have a scratch on me, which, granted, hurts my case a little, on the surface.

Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.

Xander: He was right behind me, putting his sneakers on. But it's not the Velcro kind, so give him a couple of extra minutes

Drusilla: I don't want to be an evil thing!
Angelus: Ah, hush, child, the Lord has a plan for all of us. He will use you and then he will smite you down, he's like that.

Spike: Let me guess. Someone pulls out the sword...
Angelus: Someone worthy
Spike: The Demon opens his mouth and wackiness ensues

Kendra: I call it Mr. Pointy.
Buffy: You named your stake?
Kendra: Yes.
Buffy: Remind me to get you a stuffed animal.

Giles: What do you want?
Angelus: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws.

Buffy: The whole earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.

Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: Um, you hit me with an ax one time, remember? Uh, "get the hell away from my daughter."
Joyce: Oh.

Giles: You must...
Angelus: Yes?
Giles: Perform the ritual...
Angelus: Go on?
Giles: In a tutu. Pillock!
Angelus: Alright, somebody get the chainsaw!

Giles: You're not real.
Xander: Sure I'm real.
Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
Giles: You're right. Let's go.

Buffy - Season One

Can you believe I never watched this? I bought this as a filler, didn't really think I would like it as much as I do. This is the perfect show when you are feeling down. Have you watched it?


Xander: I kinda had a problem with the math.
Willow: Uh, which part?
Xander: The math.

Cordelia: Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.

Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say... I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours

Buffy: I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy-bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it.

[After finding out that vampires exist.]
Willow: Oh, I need to sit down.
Buffy: You are sitting down.
Willow: Oh... Good for me.

Giles: So, all the city plans are just, uh, open to the public?
Willow: Um, well, i-in a way. I sort of stumbled onto them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system.
Xander: Someone's been naughty.

Willow: You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger! Then I... hide until it goes away.

Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.

Joyce: Look what I found. It's my yearbook from junior year. [finds her picture] Oh, look! There I am.
Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.

Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.
Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.

Cordelia: I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

Giles: My calculations are precise.
Buffy: Nuh! They're bad calculations! Bad!
Willow: Buffy has a really important date.
Buffy: Owen!
Giles: All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Giles: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
Buffy: Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says, 'I'm the Slayer, ask me how!'

Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

Xander: [to Cordelia] Y'know, hey, I don't know what everyone's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker!

Buffy: You want Xander, you've gotta speak up, girl!
Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness ... and sweaty palms.

Jenny Calendar: [to Giles] Oh, I know, our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century. With three whole years to spare!
Giles: Ms. Calendar, I'm sure your computer science class is fascinating, but I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a slave to the, um, idiot box.
Jenny: That's TV. The idiot box is TV. This [indicates a computer] is the good box!

Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed... and also smoking.

Willow: Once again I've been banished to the demon section of the card catalogue.

Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there.
Buffy: Little blase' there, aren't you?
Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!
Buffy: Thanks for having confidence in me.
Xander: You da man, Buff!

Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?
Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him.
Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.

Jenny: The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little.

Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.

Buffy: Sure! We saved the world. I say we party!