Buffy - Season 2

Damn - this show just cracks me the frell up.


Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: [scoffs] I can hold my own.

Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.

Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Spike: If every Vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was there, it would've been like Woodstock

Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!

Buffy: I told one lie, I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Buffy: Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.
Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.

Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...
Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!

Willow: The Lonely Ones?
Angel: Vampires.
Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.

Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.
Giles: Most grownups are.

Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That's between you and your god.

Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!

Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Spike: No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap?
Angelus: What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase.

Cordelia: This is great! There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Slayer's a basketcase, I'd say we've hit bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh no, here's a lower place

Cordelia: So does looking at guns really make girls want to have sex? That's scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the Army a lot?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.

Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.
Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow: Thanks, I haven't gotten a Meow before.

Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.
Oz: You are quite the human.
Willow: So I'd still, if you'd still.
Oz: I'd still. I'd very still!
Willow: Okay. No biting, though.
Oz: Agreed.

Willow: Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.
Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Buffy: Homework.
Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.

Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing.
Buffy: I thought I might try violence.
Xander: Solid call.

Xander: Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was "I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning

Buffy: So I'm treated like the baddie, just because he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose, and I don't have a scratch on me, which, granted, hurts my case a little, on the surface.

Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.

Xander: He was right behind me, putting his sneakers on. But it's not the Velcro kind, so give him a couple of extra minutes

Drusilla: I don't want to be an evil thing!
Angelus: Ah, hush, child, the Lord has a plan for all of us. He will use you and then he will smite you down, he's like that.

Spike: Let me guess. Someone pulls out the sword...
Angelus: Someone worthy
Spike: The Demon opens his mouth and wackiness ensues

Kendra: I call it Mr. Pointy.
Buffy: You named your stake?
Kendra: Yes.
Buffy: Remind me to get you a stuffed animal.

Giles: What do you want?
Angelus: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws.

Buffy: The whole earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.

Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: Um, you hit me with an ax one time, remember? Uh, "get the hell away from my daughter."
Joyce: Oh.

Giles: You must...
Angelus: Yes?
Giles: Perform the ritual...
Angelus: Go on?
Giles: In a tutu. Pillock!
Angelus: Alright, somebody get the chainsaw!

Giles: You're not real.
Xander: Sure I'm real.
Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
Giles: You're right. Let's go.