BUFFY - Season 5

Oh how I love thee!!! (and god bless rainy holiday weekends!)

Willow: Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody'll know I know, you know?

Buffy: You're sure this is not just some fanboy thing? 'Cause I've met a lot of pimply, overweight vamps calling themselves Lestat.

Xander: Where did you pick up the fruity accent? Sesame Street? "One victim, two victims, ah, ah, ah"

Xander: Where is he?! Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap! I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming Committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad... you suck.

Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home! [swings ax]
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine! I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night! [swings ax] That you got Anya hurt! [swings ax] Invited a vampire in! [swings ax] Got kidnapped! ...

Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through... How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Xander: I need a better place. Hey Buff, you've been to Hell. They've got one-bedrooms, right?

Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z — from 'axe' to... 'zee other axe'.

Big Vampire: I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
Buffy: And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really... who's surprised we've got this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I express mine better. Tell you what... you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.

Buffy: [pulls a glowing orb out of her bag] What the hell is it?
Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Willow: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.

Anya: [to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

Buffy: I just had a bad day.
Dawn: Well, join the club.
Buffy: Could I be president?
Dawn: I'm president. You could be the janitor.

Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don't really know what kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.

Spike: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.

Donny: Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by God I will beat you down!
Xander: And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.

Anya: I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter... Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!

Xander: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.

Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space... I did not say that.

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara: I said "quirky."

Xander: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Oh! But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.

Willow: Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.

Anya: It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.
Tara: There's a world without shrimp?

Glory: Never send a minion to do a god's work.

Spike: Brown robe types are always protecting something. It's the only way they can justify giving up girls.

Dawn: I feel safe with you.
Spike: Take that back!

Anya: I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Tara: There's a Santa Claus?
Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney — all true.
Dawn: All true?
Anya: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise…
Tara: The reindeer part was nice.

Spike: [while being tortured by Glory] Yeah, OK, sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words: the Slayer ... is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim ex-god like you.