Damn DNA

The other night we were all in the living room and Spotty stepped out of his pull up and starting walking into another room, I slowly followed, suddenly I heard the front door open, I moved a little quicker and saw my son standing on the threshold peeing out the front door. As I tried not to laugh, I told boy toy to get over here and see what his son was doing. Boy toy walked up to Spotty and said "listen, if you are going to pee outside you should turn toward bushes for privacy. They then walked in and gave each other high fives.

I now know why each mom when she gives birth to a boy thinks "I will be the first mom to have a boy that doesn't grow up to be a dumb ass", and why we all fail. It's genetics.

My baby brother's no longer a baby

My Favorite Brother's girlfriend just called to tell me that favorite brother proposed to her last night! She sounds so incredibly happy. She told me all the details, how he asked her mother, how he wore the shirt that she loved (but never wore because it was so wrinkly and has to go to the dry cleaners). She says the ring is beautiful and can't wait to show it off



I am stunned, I didn't think Favorite Bro had it in him. I am so happy for them that I could burst.

Questions

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Scooby Snacks

So our mysterious post carder is back, and seems to be in the UK. They were at the Norfolk Museums & Archaeology Workhouse museum. Apparently there is a display of cigarette packs found on the grounds, which reminded them of us and when we used to smoke and collect Marlboro miles. We got some damn good stuff too, kayaks, luggage, sleeping bags, not to mention clothes and barbecue crap.

Still don't know who they are, but am so happy that the card sender didn't forget about us. We will figure you out yet!

Eggs, skates and hands of doom

Spotty and I spent some time at my parents on Saturday, I was getting my hair colored and my parents said they wouldn’t mind watching him. While I was getting purdy and finally accepting that coloring my hair every 6 weeks just aint working. You would think that I would have come to this conclusion sooner since I started going gray at 21, but alas and alack I did not. My da and my son were off doing the Saturday chores. First they go to the dump; they watch the trucks and machines and occasionally might climb on one or two. Then it is off to the shirt store, where my father has his shirts laundered? Pressed? I have no idea, but Mr. Popolotopopolis apparently has lolly pops waiting for Spotty. He hadn’t seen Spotty in awhile and let him run the dry cleaning rack. Spotty had a blast stepping on the button to make the clothes go around. Then they went on a wild animal hunt in the “beer” store. They hunt for wild animals on the wine bottles. They saw a frog, a fox, a rabbit and a giraffe to name a few. The girls there have lolly pops for Spotty too. They couldn’t believe how big he was getting. The final stop on their mad cap adventure was a trip to old mc donalds for fries. My dad gets such a big kick out of Spotty, and I get such a big kick out of my dad.

Sunday we went to Moo, Freak, Cheese and Hippy’s house. We were there for the annual egg coloring extravaganza. Freak was disappointed in the lack of artistic eggs. We were disappointed that he didn’t love us enough to do the Ukrainian eggs the right way. Moo and Cheese were sick, (which they blamed on Spotty, but I totally told them they were wrong). Which sucks as they are going down to Disney next week, hopefully they will be better before the plane ride. Spotty really seemed to enjoy coloring the eggs this year. Or perhaps he loved the mess he was able to make while dropping eggs from various heights into the colored tubs below. He liked it so much that apparently he stuck both of his hands into the dye. I say apparently, because I did not see him do this, however his left hand was bright blue and his right hand was a bluish-green.

We had to run out of there because Boy toys nephew was playing in the state championship for his division in hockey at the Garden. The whole family was there, and a ton of Needham folks. I saw a bunch of friends from high school which cracked me up and I was able to show off my blond haired blue eyed boy. As for the game, Needham won! Woo woo. And Mr. Hockey played, with a broken or newly healed collar bone. He did pretty well too, and he’s just a sophomore.

It was nice to be able to go out and see folks especially since I was working all night Friday, Saturday morning and Sunday night. Pity me and send chocolate.

Wheel of Time WHAT?

Freakshow: Good News? http://www.dragonmount.com/News/?p=326
Me: Who the hell is Brandon Sanderson? I don’t think I have read anything of his? Why didn’t Jordan choose someone as his heir? Christ on a cracker it is the oldest storyline in history…
Freakshow: I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT you HAVE NOT EVER HEARD OF THIS GUY - YOU HAVE MORE OF THESE BOOKS THAN THE AVERAGE BARNES AND NOBLE
Me: Don’t yell at me because I haven’t read some 2 bit author. He’s done what 4 or 5 books, dude I can read 4 or 5 books a week…well before Timmy. Most of the series I read are longer than 4 or 5 books. Have YOU read his BOOKS bucko?
Freakshow: I DONT READ
Me: So now I have to go get his books and then you have to read them TOO (meaning also) so we can figure out if this last book is even going to be worth it?
Freakshow: I don’t see the point - we HAVE to read the last book - no matter how bad - This guy DOES clearly know HOW the book was supposed to end in detail - so even if he hacks it up you can't claim he was inventing it. If you want to know how it ends you have to read the book - good or bad
Me: The point my pointy headed friend is if he bites THE BIG ONE, if he rots in hell, if he writes like… (I don’t really have anyone that makes my eyes bleed, your wife’s anti-christ is Lackey, but I don’t give a rat’s ass where she puts comas or her dangling participles), what if our head explodes in the first chapter, what are we gonna do then chumley?
Freakshow: ok, if his writing is so bad that it makes your eyes bleed - WHY oh WHY would you read MORE THAN ONE of his books then? The last book is worth it by default - because it has all the answers in it - even if it is translated from sumali dialect, we NEED to read the last book - at least there will BE a last book to read
Me: So what you are saying/agreeing to, is if I purchase a book by said author and it makes my eyeballs bleed and burst and get mushy and dribble down my cheeks you will read me the LAST book even if it is written in Runes?
Well – ok then I guess we have a book to read in 2009
Freakshow: if you can’t see you won’t be able to tell if I am making up the story or reading it to you - so sure
Me: You are an AssHAT.
What if he is good? What if he is better than Jordan? What if we become slaves to his series? What if your eyeballs rupture and I have to read to you, my lying friend? You know your family would allow me to read to YOU
Freakshow: 3 words for you - BOOKS ON TAPE
Me: Brandon Sanderson has books on tape? That’s great, I can listen when I am driving to Needham, and if you are nice to me maybe I will let you borrow them
Freakshow: http://www.audiobookstand.com/product.asp?AuthorId=21972&Titleid=55930

And that my friends is love…

Book Review – Path of Fate

Book 1
Reisil has had a rough life. Abandoned as a baby, the Town of Kallas took her in, but each family took her in for just one month so no one was over burdened with her care. Not that any kids would be cruel enough to point out that she wasn’t wanted by anyone for long. Reisil has grown up and has passed her tests to become a Tark, a healer. A position blessed by the Lady; who they worship. More than anything she wants to be Kallas’ healer. She wants to pay the town back for taking care of her all those years when they didn’t have to. The town has given her a cottage to live in and she is finally starting to feel like she belongs. Isn’t this when trouble always strikes? On her way back to her cottage a large female goshawk lands in front of her the very image of lethal beauty. “I am Saljane; I have found you at last!” With these words Reisil freaks the hell out. She does not want to be ahalad-kaaslane, one of the most coveted positions in the country, and is said to be appointed by the Lady. She does not want to share her life with an animal dispensing justice. She tells Saljane to go away that she isn’t wanted. But the goshawk has her mind made up.

There has been a war going on for years with the Patversemese and they are finally coming close to peace, but neither side trusts the other. Peace talks are set to begin and the Patversemese Duke is on his way to Kallas to open the peace talks. The town is angry, they have lost many men and women to the war, but Kallas has been ordered to play nice, or else. We meet Reisil’s boyfriend who has been away, but she is helping the tavern owner prep food, so she has to run. As she is working two young Patversemese nobles come in looking for food, the young man is a dick, his younger sister is sweet, turns out they are the Dukes children.

During the talks the Dukes daughter is kidnapped, Reisil must decide how she can best serve the Lady by being a simple Tark, or by embracing a life she doesn’t want and in the process save her country and perhaps her world.

20 years ago

• The average cost of a new home: $127,200
• A VCR (no DVDs yet) $270
• Ground Beef: $3 a pound
• An 11-ounce can of ground coffee (Folgers): $2
• A six-pack of Coke: $1.89
• A box of frozen waffles: $1.50
• A 10-disc CD changer: $400
• A camcorder: $1,100
• A first class stamp: $.22
• Gas: $.96 a gallon
• A candy bar: $.40
• A Sony Walkman: $45
• A bottle of Advil: $6
• A dozen eggs: about $1
• A gallon of milk: $1.80
• A loaf of bread: about $1.25
• A pound of bacon: $1.80
• The average price of a new car: $10,500
• A cup of coffee at 7-Eleven: $.49
• An LP (vinyl): $10
• A 25-inch color TV: $280
• A microwave: $200
• A pack of cigarettes: $1.25
• Film developing: $3 per roll of film (digital cameras weren’t available yet)
• A McDonald’s hamburger: $.59
• A box of cereal: $1.90
• A copy of USA Today: $.50
• A pair of Nikes: $45
• One share of Microsoft stock: about $100
• A basic haircut at Supercuts: $6
• A car phone: $1,400

Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader

Dear Spotty Chop, you are 36 months old

Dooce does a great thing on her blog, every month she writes a letter to her daughter and the letters are beautiful. Someday her little girl will be able to read them, see what she was like at a young age and know that she was loved more than anything. I thought I might try my hand at it as well.

So Spotty Chop, you are 36 months old. That kind of freaks me out a bit; just yesterday I swear you were 2 or 3 months at the most. You are being really affectionate lately. You tell us you love us out of the blue, which is really nice and is sometimes the only good thing I hear all day. You love to stand behind me while I am sitting on the couch or floor and you put your arms around my neck and give me hugs…actually you swing from my neck, maybe you are actually trying to kill me? You have always loved to play with my hair, especially when you fall asleep, but lately you want both your arms around my neck. You have also been wrapping your arms around one of our arms and usually rest your head against us. You give lots of kisses and sometimes will end it with a special Eskimo kiss. Of course every time I ask for a kiss I get one, when Boy toy asks for one he is usually rejected. Heh. Being in your presence when you are like this is better than any drug; you really make life worth living.

You and dada have been playing Theivieous Racoonus, a video game in which a cartoon fox steals from the bad thieves as there is no honor in stealing from regular folks. You are all about encouraging your daddy. “You can do it Dada! I know you can!” “Go dada go, go dada go”! I am finding that I need to force you to leave the house, because all you want to do is play video games, and while I might think on occasion that I should be concerned, you have done the same thing with TV shows, movies and movie extras.

Your imaginative play is incredible. You have started playing “baby”, you will come over to me and say “come on baby, time to change your dydee,” or “it’s time for sleepies”. I usually will throw a complete shit fit screaming, crying and generally carrying on. I could see it in your face at first a “WTF”, and then you got a little grin and I could see a light bulb go off. What surprises me is how gentle you are with me when you are playing baby. You coax and snuggles me, you say “there there baby, its ok”, you take my hand and gently lead me to where you want me to go. I think empathy is going to be a strength of yours.

Over the weekend, you did something new. You picked up the guitar that Moo and Freak Show bought you and started to play, which is not new, but then you started singing. “A long time ago, I had a really great day…this went on for a minute or two, then you said “the end”. Boy toy and I both clapped enthusiastically. You took a few sitting bows and had the biggest grin on your face. Throughout the weekend, you would just start singing to us. I am so impressed. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you need to become a superstar, but to see you trying out new things and being so in the moment is breathtaking.

Book Review – The Dragon of Despair

Wolf Book 3

All is not well in the land. Melina has married The Healed One and the Duchess Kestrel is the first to know. Settlers have pushed into the Iron Mountains to settle, much as Prince Barden did. Derian goes to check out the settlement and place grave markers thus fulfilling his promise. Firekeeper goes to see her family and finds out that the Royal animals are not pleased. In fact there is talk of war with the humans if the settlers do not leave. Firekeeper travels as fast as she can back to King Tedric to let him know and to find out what he will do about it

Meanwhile Elise is asked to lead an expedition back to New Kelvin to find out what Melina is up to as well as trying to save Citrine’s sanity. She travels to the Kestrel holdings to get Citrine comfortable with the group that will be going New Kelvin and to have everyone tutored in the language by Grateful Peace.

Is Elise still in love with Doc? Does Firekeeper have new enemies and not just the 2 legged kind? What is the secret that the healed one knows? Is there really a dragon? How the hell is Elise going to get into New Kelvin again when they were fugitives the last time they left? Is Melina still a raging byotch? Does a wolf shit in the woods?

All these questions and more are answered in Book 3 and I just bought the last 3 books in the series, I have no idea how this is going to turn out, but I think this is one of the best series I have read in a long time.

Anger?

There is a good article over on Babble . It’s on anger management and how it used to be ok to be angry with your child and now it seems that a parent would be classified as a monster when they get angry. This is a topic near and dear to my heart because I have anger issues, especially when I am about to go PMS. I can now tell when I need to up my happy pills because I get irrationally angry at Spotty Chop. (I am sure I used to get angry at boy toy, but he deserved it). When Spotty was an infant I literally beat myself up whenever I would get frustrated with him; even if I had only been able to get 30 min of sleep in a row for days.

Now that Spotty is 3 I will admit that I still get upset over my being upset with him; and I am not talking about the PMS bullshit either. I may yell after the 40th time of asking him not to swing off the couch by my pony tail, or the 15th time of telling him that head butting me in the boobs hurts and to knock it off. When he cries it tears me up. I know at times he uses his tears to manipulate (while on vacation he watched himself cry in the bathroom because it had ceiling to floor mirrors.) It doesn’t negate the fact that it makes me want to throw up. So I read with interest as another mom admitted to thinking of holding her child too tight, of causing some pain to reflect the pain that she had been feeling. I think it’s healthy to get angry (within reason), so maybe it’s time for parents to admit that they get angry, maybe by admitting that it’s there, it would help the parents that cross the line. Thank god I never have, but it is easy to see why or how it might happen.

Thievius Raccoonus and 3 years ago today

It’s Sunday, the sun is shining; Spotty Chop is up before 6:30am, even though he did not go to sleep until after 11:00pm.

He is sick; coughing up body parts. We all napped for about 3 hours yesterday and did not wake up until after 6:00PM.

As I beg him to go back to sleep he says, “no mama we have to play Benly”. God frelling bless Sly Cooper and the Band of Thieves. So I try to do Bentleys mission, and fail, and fail and…I think you get the point. Spotty finally gives his poor old mom a break and asks if we can watch a movie. He picks out Scooby Doo, the 1st season. I watch a bit, do dishes and laundry. We play cars, and then make cranberry bread. Play the game more, this time I get to be Sly. Eat freezer pops, play candy land, more dishes and laundry. I tell Spotty that we can play Sly Cooper until the big hand reaches the top, then we need to go out and play. He is sick, but we haven’t been out all weekend. I didn’t feel like dealing with the snow yesterday. Spotty says fine. We play more Sly. Dada wakes up, we tell him we HAVE to go out and we made him coffee, and could you please take out the cranberry bread when it dings.

Spotty and I take a walk in the woods behind our house. We play Thievius Raccoonus. We sneak past trees. We go under “vines”. We “slide” down rails. I love his face; excited and happy with a bit of smirk. We get to the gas line and Spotty finds a HUGE puddle. He splashes and jumps; gets out, looks at me asks if he can do it again. I’m like hell ya. So he splashes and jumps and splashes and hops, climbs out, falls. I let him try to get up. I asks if he needs help, he says ‘ya,” so I lift him up. He asks if he can do it again.

Of course you can kiddo.

He is so happy and I am happy watching him. Am I wishing he would not get so wet? Well, yes, yes I am. I think, he’s sick and its cold, am I a bad mom for letting him possibly get sicker? But I know we aren’t that far from the house and he is having so much fun. The sun is warm, the snow fresh. When he has splashed to his heart content, we head for the road. We play monsters, I chase him to the next yellow gas marker, then it’s his turn. He wants to be carried, so I crouch down and he jumps on my back. I give him a piggy back to the sidewalk. We slowly walk towards the house. I tell him “thank you for going on a walk with me because I had fun.” He tells me that he had lots of fun too. We get home and tell dada all about our adventure while we get dried off and warm. Dada and Spotty play trains as I run out to do food shopping. Boy Toy calls me while I am shopping; he wants to know if we have any medicine for Spotty, he is burning up. I finish shopping and fly home. I get Spotty a bowl of strawberries, grapes and blueberries and some Tylenol. Boy Toy and Spotty are playing Scooby Doo the video game, so I let them finish the level before telling Spotty it’s time for a nap. We sleep a good 3 hours.

As the sun goes down I realize that 3 years ago today I knew I was going to be induced. My water had broken 2 days before, well, leaked is more like it, and spent the night leeking like a sive and arguing with myself that my water couldn’t possibly have broken. It was 2 or 3 am I had a head cold and just “knew” that my bladder was just not working right. After a few hours of changing sheets I though that “there was something funny going on,” and began to admit that perhaps, even though a few weeks early, maybe this was it. Packed the suitcase and took some deep breaths. I went out to the living room. Boy toy was asleep on the couch. I am a snorer, but with the whole pregnant, needs to sleep sitting up the past 5 or 6 months, now I have the head cold from hell, and can’t take anything for it, apparently I became the SNORE GOD. Around 5am I woke him up and said. “I think my water broke”. We call Harvard Vanguard. They ask a few questions and then tell us to come in around 9:00am. They take a look and say “yup it’s it”. I tore it, but it kept resealing itself. They tell us to go home and wait, labor should start within 6 hours. So we go home, I lay in bed and try to rest. I talk to CM and we just chat for a bit, in that instance I so want to tell SOMEONE what is happening, but I would be damned if someone other than my mom finds out first. I really have no memory, other than that phone call of what went on that day, but I know that 3 years ago I was heading off to bed as just me. in a few hours I was going to be a mom. I wasn’t scared, just a little freaked out, and very excited. Boy toy asked Spotty if he wanted to sleep in our bed tonight as a special occasion since he was turning 3 tomorrow. I am happy and sad. Happy remembering how excited and nervous and full of joy at the though of being a mom and finding out who I was having. Sad because I really enjoyed being pregnant and I had no idea how much I would miss carrying Spotty under my heart.