SG1 Season 7

Native: [pointing to Teal'c] He is Jaffa.
Col. O'Neill: No, but he plays one on TV.


Col. O'Neill: All I'm saying... just for the record... this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with.
Maj. Carter: Wackier than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Col. O'Neill:Oh, yeah.
Maj. Carter: Wackier than—than blowing up a sun?
Col. O'Neill: Yep!
Maj. Carter: [to Jonas and Daniel] ...He's probably right.


Col. O'Neill: I thought we were going with Red Leader on this one.


Col. O'Neill: Haven't you guys heard the story about the dog and the dancing monkeys? It's about getting along and... dancing.


Gen. Hammond: Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has, somehow, regressed more than 30 years overnight?
Dr. Jackson: Stranger things have happened.
Teal'c: Name but one.
Dr. Jackson: Well, there was the time he got really old, the time he became a caveman, the time we all swapped bodies...


Dr. Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so... Sam's just gonna come right out and say it.


Col. O'Neill: It's time for Plan B.
Maj. Carter: We have a Plan B?
Col. O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.


Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill has officially informed me that I have my mojo back.


Teal'c: Daniel Jackson's preliminary electroencephalogram proved anomalous.
Col. O'Neill: I dare you to say that again.


Col. O'Neill: How many times have I told you? Don't get caught by the bad guys!


Warrick: Major Carter, if you are to be my co-pilot, you will need to know how the ship works.
Maj. Carter: What is this?
Warrick: A complete operations manual for the Seberus, I had it translated for you.
Maj. Carter: Thank you!
Col. O'Neill: That's not our language!
Maj. Carter: It's mine, Sir.


Maj. Carter: It's an energy-based weapon, sir. It could, potentially, replace the missiles on the X-303.
Col. O'Neill: Phaser?
Chloe: More like a photon torpedo.


Col. Reynolds: Not much faith in Plan A?
Col. O'Neill: Since when has Plan A ever worked?


Sgt. Siler: [adjusting Jacob's armor] How's that, sir?
Jacob: Pretty good. Reminds me of my old football days.
Sgt. Siler: They had helmets back in those days, sir?
Jacob: Funny.


Teal'c: You are like a brother to me, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: You're like, what, 140?
Teal'c: A younger brother, perhaps. But that is not my point.


Daniel Jackson: Hey! Have I told you my latest theory yet? It's really cool. Lose something?
Maj. Carter: Did you see a…
Daniel Jackson: Little girl?
Maj. Carter: Yeah.
Daniel Jackson: No.


Col. O'Neill: That's what you get for dickin' around.


Maj. Carter: I feel compelled to warn you, most of the guys I've dated recently have died.


Bregman: …could we get a shot of the Gate spinning?
Maj. Carter: Sure. It's really cool. Steam comes out of it and everything.


Col. Dixon: I don't see any indication of anything here.
Dr. Balinsky: Take the usual bet on that, sir?
Col. Dixon: Sure. Wells?
Airman Wells: Abandoned naquadah mine.
Col. Dixon: Boring. But good odds. Bosworth?
Bosworth: I'm going to put my money on trees, sir.
Col. Dixon: Bosworth's disqualified for being a smart ass. I'll go with two-headed aliens.
Airman Wells: Hostile or friendly, sir?
Col. Dixon: One head good, one head bad. Balinsky?
Dr. Balinsky: Oh, the ruins of an ancient city.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, you wish.


Col. Dixon: Yeah, all-night screaming, projectile vomiting, nuclear diapers... you have no idea. The reason they make them so damn cute is so you don't suffocate them in their sleep.
Airman Wells: Sir, you have four kids.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, why do you think I enjoy my work so much? Don't get me wrong, I love those little buggers to death, but trust me, having four kids makes going through a Stargate facing off against alien bad guys look like nothing. This is relaxing.
Airman Wells: Then why did you have four?
Col. Dixon: Well, one's pretty bad, but you figure you got to have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister, right? Then you have two boys, and the wife says she want a girl so you figure "Hell, three can't be much harder than two", right? What you don't realize is that your brain's fried because you haven't slept. After three, four is no big deal. You're so deep in it that nothing seems to matter any more. It's chaos. You're just trying to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have trying to get them into bed only to lie awake praying they don't get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse... wind up dead in an alley somewhere.
Airman Wells: Can't wait, sir.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, miracle of birth, my ass. I'll tell you what a miracle is, birth control that works.


Dr. Balinsky: Oh, Dr. Jackson's gonna die when he sees this!
Col. Dixon: What, again?


Bregman: You know, I'm going to get you on camera sooner or later, even if all I get is a series of shots of you avoiding being got.
Col. O'Neill: Fire away. I hope shots of my ass serve you well.


President Hayes: "Hosted alien dignitaries"… "Acquired alien technology"… "Traveled back in time"? …Did they really blow up a sun?
Gen. Maynard: As I understand it, sir, yes they did.
Pres. Hayes: That's gotta look awfully good on the ol' résumé, eh?


Maj. Carter: ... It will overwhelm his nervous system, and the Colonel will....
Col. O'Neill: What? Meet my maker? Pay the piper? Reach the pearly gates? Start pushing up daisies here and there?
Gen. Hammond: Colonel, you should be in the infirmary.
Col. O'Neill: Why? We all know exactly what's gonna happen. In a few days I start speaking some strange language. A few days after that I start doing things beyond my control, and a few days after that, it's goodnight my someone, goodnight. So with your permission sir I'd like to take the weekend to get some personal things together.


Dr. Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.
Dr. Weir: Is that a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?
Dr. Jackson: Subtle, huh?


Dr. Jackson: "Praclarush Taonas." Jack, this is it!
Col. O'Neill:See, I assume we still speak the same language, mostly.
Dr. Jackson: Sphere: Planet. Label: Name.
Col. O'Neill: Following. Still. You. Not!


Dr. Weir: Well, have you got everything you need? I think there's still a sink left in the kitchen.
Col. O'Neill: Is that a joke?
Dr. Weir: Perhaps. A bad one
Col. O'Neill: Yes. Very bad. But I sense hope for you.


Pres. Hayes: Will you shut the hell up?
Dr. Weir: Sorry, sir.
Pres. Hayes: Not you, Doctor.
Kinsey: Excuse me?
Pres. Hayes: Consider your resignation accepted, Bob.
Kinsey: You can't do that!
Pres. Hayes: Oh, please! I've got enough on you to have you shot.
Kinsey: This is the biggest mistake you will ever make.
Pres. Hayes: But I think I'll stick to my original thought, which is shut the hell up!