PREACH

Some days I get pissy…cranky even

I have a word doc with…I don’t know what you call these? Are they all Memes? Well whatever they are called, some days I only need to scroll through a few of them, other days I need to roll around in all of them. Most of these have who created them, a lot do not. I didn’t create any of them so if you see one that you did, or know who did feel free to shoot me a line and I will happily give credit where credit is due. Often I will be on the internet, I will zig, then I will zag and then I will find someone who is just brilliant, but due to my getting old, my brain can’t remember where the hell I was to find them.  

When People Get You

A coworker came back from holiday and said "I got you a present". 

The present? A pin? 

And what did that pin say?

Recommended Dosages Are For Pussies

THIS is making me LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH

A coworker sent this to me today. She thought I would appreciate 

Is everyone over the Binders full of Women?

I'm not. These Tumblr thingys   make me laugh and laugh. Some things just don't get old to me.

 Here are a few of my favorites. I have no idea how Tumblr works. I had no idea what a meme was (but yes you will be seeing some of my favorite text from Hillary....why the hell didn't I know about this...) The internext is sooo cool!

My Very Favorite? I just can't stop giggling

someecards.com ROCKS

Do you frequent someecards.com? Did you know they aren't just for Birthdays? They are perfect for when someone at work has pissed you off. When the Asshattery in your life is just more than you can take. I have a collection of these in my PC. When I am feeling blue/homicidal/sad/you name it. I open these bad boys up and then I laugh! Sometimes I snort, and very often I giggle. 

Here are some of my current favorites. The beautiful thing about someecards is that there are always new ones appearing, you just never get board.

So send them to your friends, your enemies, but most important...send them to yourself. You deserve it!

  

The reality of sleep

Geek zodiac

I’m a spy…What are you

Twit what?

I don’t do twitter, I don’t get it. I honestly just don’t like people enough to follow them. I don’t care that  you are crossing the street, or drinking coffee. However when Jenny over at the Bloggess talks about twitter it makes me giggle. Apparently there is some viral author unknown quotes going on (whatever that means). Jenny has kindly finished the quotes so they make sense. Go here for them all (and go here to see why I will read about her twitter on her blog. I won’t actually twit but this almost makes me want to…)

Here are some of my favorites

“The things that hurt us teach us.”   Or they kill us. Maybe you should just skip that class.

“Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book.”   Or maybe they only get one soap opera.  Stop being so literal, asshole.

“No pillow is so soft as God’s promise. ”  Unless it’s God’s promise to start the apocalypse and send the four horsemen on your asses.

“A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ”  The same thing goes with an ice-pic but you can also murder people with it.  I know which one I’d choose in a knife fight.

“The best way out of a problem is through it.”  Unless that problem is a fire.  Then you’re fucked.

What's stuck in your head?

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head? Have it jump out at you at random times? 


This has been stuck in my head almost everyday for the past month. I can be in the middle of just about anything and suddenly the words pop out of my mouth...Waooooo  waooo



When criminals in this world appear 
and break the laws that they should fear 
and frighten all who see or hear 
the cry goes up both far and near 
for Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!

Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 
fighting all who rob or plunder 
Underdog. Underdog!

When in this world the headlines read 
of those whose hearts are filled with greed 
who rob and steal from those who need 
to right this wrong with blinding speed 
goes Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!

Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 
fighting all who rob or plunder 
Underdog. Underdog! 

Cows with Guns

Boytoy and I have loved this song forever. This has become Spotty Chop's favorite music video

Why I love True Blood

How to Start a Fight…

*This really makes me laugh...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
______________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

Hey Nice Boobs!

The other day we were getting ready to go swimming. Spotty walked into our bedroom and said
"is that your ladies boob covering thing? I like it, boys don’t need one because ours aren’t as big as yours, but yours is nice”

I rock the rack apparently.

I’d like to be a whale please…

this email made me giggle




Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.


It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"


A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,


Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.


If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?


Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either.


Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:


I want to be a whale.



P.S. This is an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.


So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

25 ways to tell you’re grown up

God am I old



1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.


2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question


3. you keep more food than beer in the fridge


4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed


5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator


6. You watch the weather channel


7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”


8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14


9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”


10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.


11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.


12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.


13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.


14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.


15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.


16. You take naps


17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.


18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.


19. You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.


20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.


21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time


22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again”.


23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.


24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar


25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “oh shit, what the hell happened?”


BONUS:


26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.

What’s in a name?

So I heard of  this   and gave it a try you should too


Spotty’s anagram name is Soppy, Hot CT (when using Spotty Chop as his name)
Apparently we have a new state

If I use his actual name….

WHAT-HO! MAXIMISE SCUM DOZY TWIT



Mine? I’m glad you asked

IS A WIZARD NUKES


Damn straight!!!

The Gaelic Fire Department

This makes me laugh every time I read it




One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Irish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Irish men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Irish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Seamus O’Connor, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first t’ing we’re goin’ ta do is fix the brakes on that fookin’ truck !"

Dear Diary, Welcome to Boston

an oldie but a goodie...

Dear Diary


Aug. 1
Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The
city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow.
I LOVE IT HERE

Oct. 14
New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are
turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange.
Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so
graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth.
This must be paradise.
I LOVE IT HERE.

Nov. 11
Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill
such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity.
Hope it will snow soon.
I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white.
It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the
steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I
won).

When the snow-plow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What
a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony.
I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again
(that rascal). A winter wonderland.
I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 19
Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking Snowplow!

Dec. 22
More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my
hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner
and waits until I'm done shoveling. That Asshole!

Dec. 25
"White Christmas" my busted ass. More fucking snow. If I ever get my
hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will
castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on
this fucking ice.

Dec. 28
More of the same shit last night. Been inside since Christmas day
except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The
car is buried in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says
expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many
shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Jan. 1
Happy Fucking New Year.
The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 34 fucking inches of snow
this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The
snowplow got stuck down the road and shit for brains had the balls to
come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6
shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed into my driveway. I
broke the 7th shovel over his fucking head.

Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and
on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the
fucker. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the hunters
would have killed them all last November.

May 3
Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body
is rotting away from all the fucking salt they keep dumping all over
the roads. It really looks like a piece of shit.


May 10
Moved to North Carolina today. I can't imagine why anyone in their
right fucking mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of
Massachusetts.

Words of Wisdom from my Dad

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.


The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."


He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.


His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.