A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream...It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
31 May, 2010
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks
29 May, 2010
Book Ten of the Dresden Files Oh Harry how I have missed you! I don’t think there is anything that makes me happier (Spotty Chop excluded) than reading the Dresden Files… Harry: The shelves were covered with an enormous variety of containers, from a lead-lined box to burlap bags, from Tupperware to a leather pouch made from the genital sac of, I kid you not, an actual African lion. It was a gift, don’t ask Harry: I figured odds were fantastic that one of them would just hop over me like a Kung Fu Theater extra. Harry: Anybody with an once of sense knows that fighting someone with a significant advantage in size, weight, and reach is difficult…If you opponent has you by eight thousand and fifty pounds, you’ve left the realm of combat and enrolled yourself in Roadkill 101. Or possibly in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.
Bob: As in The Three Billy Goats Gruff? You just got your ass handed to you by a nursery tale?
Harry: Think of every fairy-tale villainess you’ve ever heard of. Think of the wicked witches, the evil queens, the mad enchantresses. Think of the alluring sirens, the hungry ogresses, the savage she-beasts. Think of them and remember that somewhere, sometime, they’ve all been real…Mab gave them lessons.
Thomas: How do you want to play it if the music starts?
Harry: I’ve got nothing to prove…I say we run like little girls
Harry: I bet you say that to all the guys who glue your stomach back together.
Harry: At one time in my life, a shapeshifted, demonically possessed maniac crashing through a window and trying to rip my face off would have come as an enormous and nasty surprise…But that time was pretty much in the past.
Harry: I followed the trail of smitten fiends. Smiten fiends? Smited fiends? Smoted fiends? Don’t look at me, I never finished high school.
Ms. Demeter: What can I do for you?...Wait. Allow me to rephrase. What can I do to most quickly get rid of you?
Thomas: What does a woman need to do, Harry? Rip her clothes off, throw herself on top of you, and shimmy while screaming ‘Do me, Baby!?’Sometimes you’re a friggen idiot.
Karrin: Trying to guilt me into playing worried girlfriend, domestic defender, and surrogate mother figure, eh?
Harry: I figured it would work better than telling you to shut up and get into the kitchen.
Oh Harry how I have missed you! I don’t think there is anything that makes me happier (Spotty Chop excluded) than reading the Dresden Files…
Harry: The shelves were covered with an enormous variety of containers, from a lead-lined box to burlap bags, from Tupperware to a leather pouch made from the genital sac of, I kid you not, an actual African lion. It was a gift, don’t ask
Harry: I figured odds were fantastic that one of them would just hop over me like a Kung Fu Theater extra.
Harry: Anybody with an once of sense knows that fighting someone with a significant advantage in size, weight, and reach is difficult…If you opponent has you by eight thousand and fifty pounds, you’ve left the realm of combat and enrolled yourself in Roadkill 101. Or possibly in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.
28 May, 2010
Native: [pointing to Teal'c] He is Jaffa.
Col. O'Neill: No, but he plays one on TV.
Col. O'Neill: All I'm saying... just for the record... this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with.
Maj. Carter: Wackier than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Col. O'Neill:Oh, yeah.
Maj. Carter: Wackier than—than blowing up a sun?
Col. O'Neill: Yep!
Maj. Carter: [to Jonas and Daniel] ...He's probably right.
Col. O'Neill: I thought we were going with Red Leader on this one.
Col. O'Neill: Haven't you guys heard the story about the dog and the dancing monkeys? It's about getting along and... dancing.
Gen. Hammond: Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has, somehow, regressed more than 30 years overnight?
Dr. Jackson: Stranger things have happened.
Teal'c: Name but one.
Dr. Jackson: Well, there was the time he got really old, the time he became a caveman, the time we all swapped bodies...
Dr. Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so... Sam's just gonna come right out and say it.
Col. O'Neill: It's time for Plan B.
Maj. Carter: We have a Plan B?
Col. O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill has officially informed me that I have my mojo back.
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson's preliminary electroencephalogram proved anomalous.
Col. O'Neill: I dare you to say that again.
Col. O'Neill: How many times have I told you? Don't get caught by the bad guys!
Warrick: Major Carter, if you are to be my co-pilot, you will need to know how the ship works.
Maj. Carter: What is this?
Warrick: A complete operations manual for the Seberus, I had it translated for you.
Maj. Carter: Thank you!
Col. O'Neill: That's not our language!
Maj. Carter: It's mine, Sir.
Maj. Carter: It's an energy-based weapon, sir. It could, potentially, replace the missiles on the X-303.
Col. O'Neill: Phaser?
Chloe: More like a photon torpedo.
Col. Reynolds: Not much faith in Plan A?
Col. O'Neill: Since when has Plan A ever worked?
Sgt. Siler: [adjusting Jacob's armor] How's that, sir?
Jacob: Pretty good. Reminds me of my old football days.
Sgt. Siler: They had helmets back in those days, sir?
Teal'c: You are like a brother to me, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: You're like, what, 140?
Teal'c: A younger brother, perhaps. But that is not my point.
Daniel Jackson: Hey! Have I told you my latest theory yet? It's really cool. Lose something?
Maj. Carter: Did you see a…
Daniel Jackson: Little girl?
Maj. Carter: Yeah.
Daniel Jackson: No.
Col. O'Neill: That's what you get for dickin' around.
Maj. Carter: I feel compelled to warn you, most of the guys I've dated recently have died.
Bregman: …could we get a shot of the Gate spinning?
Maj. Carter: Sure. It's really cool. Steam comes out of it and everything.
Col. Dixon: I don't see any indication of anything here.
Dr. Balinsky: Take the usual bet on that, sir?
Col. Dixon: Sure. Wells?
Airman Wells: Abandoned naquadah mine.
Col. Dixon: Boring. But good odds. Bosworth?
Bosworth: I'm going to put my money on trees, sir.
Col. Dixon: Bosworth's disqualified for being a smart ass. I'll go with two-headed aliens.
Airman Wells: Hostile or friendly, sir?
Col. Dixon: One head good, one head bad. Balinsky?
Dr. Balinsky: Oh, the ruins of an ancient city.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, you wish.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, all-night screaming, projectile vomiting, nuclear diapers... you have no idea. The reason they make them so damn cute is so you don't suffocate them in their sleep.
Airman Wells: Sir, you have four kids.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, why do you think I enjoy my work so much? Don't get me wrong, I love those little buggers to death, but trust me, having four kids makes going through a Stargate facing off against alien bad guys look like nothing. This is relaxing.
Airman Wells: Then why did you have four?
Col. Dixon: Well, one's pretty bad, but you figure you got to have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister, right? Then you have two boys, and the wife says she want a girl so you figure "Hell, three can't be much harder than two", right? What you don't realize is that your brain's fried because you haven't slept. After three, four is no big deal. You're so deep in it that nothing seems to matter any more. It's chaos. You're just trying to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have trying to get them into bed only to lie awake praying they don't get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse... wind up dead in an alley somewhere.
Airman Wells: Can't wait, sir.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, miracle of birth, my ass. I'll tell you what a miracle is, birth control that works.
Dr. Balinsky: Oh, Dr. Jackson's gonna die when he sees this!
Col. Dixon: What, again?
Bregman: You know, I'm going to get you on camera sooner or later, even if all I get is a series of shots of you avoiding being got.
Col. O'Neill: Fire away. I hope shots of my ass serve you well.
President Hayes: "Hosted alien dignitaries"… "Acquired alien technology"… "Traveled back in time"? …Did they really blow up a sun?
Gen. Maynard: As I understand it, sir, yes they did.
Pres. Hayes: That's gotta look awfully good on the ol' résumé, eh?
Maj. Carter: ... It will overwhelm his nervous system, and the Colonel will....
Col. O'Neill: What? Meet my maker? Pay the piper? Reach the pearly gates? Start pushing up daisies here and there?
Gen. Hammond: Colonel, you should be in the infirmary.
Col. O'Neill: Why? We all know exactly what's gonna happen. In a few days I start speaking some strange language. A few days after that I start doing things beyond my control, and a few days after that, it's goodnight my someone, goodnight. So with your permission sir I'd like to take the weekend to get some personal things together.
Dr. Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.
Dr. Weir: Is that a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?
Dr. Jackson: Subtle, huh?
Dr. Jackson: "Praclarush Taonas." Jack, this is it!
Col. O'Neill:See, I assume we still speak the same language, mostly.
Dr. Jackson: Sphere: Planet. Label: Name.
Col. O'Neill: Following. Still. You. Not!
Dr. Weir: Well, have you got everything you need? I think there's still a sink left in the kitchen.
Col. O'Neill: Is that a joke?
Dr. Weir: Perhaps. A bad one
Col. O'Neill: Yes. Very bad. But I sense hope for you.
Pres. Hayes: Will you shut the hell up?
Dr. Weir: Sorry, sir.
Pres. Hayes: Not you, Doctor.
Kinsey: Excuse me?
Pres. Hayes: Consider your resignation accepted, Bob.
Kinsey: You can't do that!
Pres. Hayes: Oh, please! I've got enough on you to have you shot.
Kinsey: This is the biggest mistake you will ever make.
Pres. Hayes: But I think I'll stick to my original thought, which is shut the hell up!
25 May, 2010
A girl and her car. When I turned 16 my dad bought a ‘69 Camaro…Convertible…Stock…prettiest shade of blue (Bright Blue Met. 71 for those in the know) you have ever seen. He bought it so his baby didn’t drive a shit-box. I love my dad!
I mention this because Joanne has a ‘71 midnight blue Mustang that she loves like a baby. If you have never driven a Muscle car I pity you. There is NOTHING like it. Cars today just don’t have the personality or raw power that they did then. And Joanne needs power. She is a Weather Warden, part of the Warden Association, a group of individuals who specialize in some of the Earth’s greatest elements. These Wardens have been around since forever, trying to keep Mother Earth from killing her unknowing passengers. There are three types Fire, Earth and Weather. Weather Wardens manipulate the weather to the benefit of mankind. Hurricane Andrew? Killed 20 Wardens and stripped the powers of at least 10 more. There were hundreds of Wardens working to control the storm, a storm that seemed to have a hunger, or a purpose. Imagine how bad it could have been without the Wardens.
But the Wardens don’t work alone. They have Djinns at their sides to be used as a source of power, kind of like a superconductor. They must obey their masters. But the Djinn are not slaves, and as it is said “the Djinn are children of fire…Fire serves no one forever. It is always ready to burn the hand that it warms.” So to explain in a nutshell, really powerful folks use demented almost all powerful beings to try to save the human race. But that isn’t the only faction. There are demons.
Aren’t there always? Demons are actually more powerful than Djinns, and they want access to our world in the worst way. Luckily for us they leave a mark on anyone they touch. Unluckily Joanne has the mark, through no fault of her own. All the girl wanted was the perfect bathing suit and a killer tan, is that too much to ask? Did I mention the dead body? Or the fact that Joanne killed her boss?
So we have one girl on the run; Wardens and Djinn acting as bounty hunters; lightning acting like Precision Attack Air-to-Surface Missiles every time she tries to leave her car. Friends who treat her like enemies, Enemy’s that may or may not be on her side, Delilah (her Stang…) isn’t feeling so very good. She has no clothes, no tampons and is wearing heals. What is a poor girl to do? Stop for a hitch hiker of course, but such a pretty hitchhiker…a girl has needs you know. And then things get interesting.
Perhaps not as interesting as drag racing down 128 at midnight in a 69 Camaro Convertible…stock, vs. a 1973 GTO, 1980 Corvette and a 1970 Chevelle…but that my friends is a story for another day.
09 May, 2010
To all mom's Thanks for being there!
One for the girls
Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
07 May, 2010
KILL ME! I CAN'T CATCH A BREAK
although boy toys phone has been found. missing since Sunday. apparently it somehow got lodged between the bumper and the trunk...
suuuuureeee he catches a FRELLING BREAK
03 May, 2010
I am so sorry I have missed the few months. Between my getting hurt, having my computer crash and then my needing the 12 step Farmville program (not to mention the car catastrophe) I have not been at the top of my game. I wrote down a few things you have said that were funny. I will post them later. Let’s get to today shall we?
Yesterday we had a knock down drag em out water fight. Water guns are AWESOME! You and I teamed up against daddy and left him with nowhere to run. I tried to fill the guns with warm water, but you daddy thought that was “not a smart idea”. So I filled up the guns with COLD water….he seemed to like that even less. Poor daddy! We chased each other around the yard until daddy was more water than man. After daddy commandeered the hose you grabbed my hand and I thought “how cute he wants us to stay together”, and then you said “mama, you are my shield! Protect ME!!!!” It took a bit for your dada and me to catch our breath after that one. I hope to get a few more fights in before we open the pool.
You have really been enjoying playing on Mantha’s trampoline. Although you seem to enjoy telling Mantha and I what tricks to perform more than you actually bouncing. I wish I could explain better the reasons why your mama must rest more than you. But good god is that a great workout.
You and your classmates went to the Wheelock Family Theater to see “the Little Mermaid”. You apparently were a great kid and really enjoyed the show. You even told your daddy that you would go to the The-a-ter again if we wanted to go.
Reason number 75579210324790342754054689034570342784328234 why I love you
Papa has been taking a lot of days off work to be with you. He has taken you to a crazy maze place that looked like a lot of fun and he and Nannie took you flying….that’s right, your papa took you to a place where sky divers train. You tried it. You were SOOO scared, but you still tried it. Papa was super scared too. He said he would never do it again. A man was there trying to impress his date who is a sky diver. He told you that you were the BRAVEST person he knew because it scared the crap out of him doing it. I wish papa didn’t have to work. He would love to play with you all day every day.
As an extra crunchie bonus we have been driving around in papa’s truck. You LOVE being in the front seat and being able to see everything.
Well that’s about all I have. We have spent a lot of time reading in the hammock. But you like calling out to your dad every few minutes to tell him you need an extra push too.
Love you kiddo!